Folk think I’m being funny, trying to make them laugh when I say I have prescription anti-perspirant. It’s true folks. I get so nervous I have extreme perspiration. The chemically loaded gak needs to be spread all over my body the night prior to any occasion where I might have to stand up and speak. It needs to be washed off twice.
I also take shed loads of prozac.
And I have to do meditations with visualisations where I tell myself ‘I am enough’.
Working for the WEA Woman@Work project has helped me enormously. I’m not half as bad as I used to be. Three years ago I had a stutter whenever I tried to speak up, but, because we have been teaching confidence building courses, some of it rubbed off on me. Mixing with other women who know how a lack of self worth can affect you has been marvellous. Being able and allowed to discuss how puke makingly nauseous talking in public can be is just the epitome of cathartic.
Tomorrow i am actually doing what I should be doing, for myself. One of the things I do best is teach creative writing techniques, but, for so many years I have been terrified of stepping into that role. I don’t know if lack of parental support throughout my life is the reason, or whether it’s some sort of cultural anomaly, but the fact remains, I am one very sweaty nervous betty with drippy hands, beaded upper lip and horrific damp patches.
I’m laying off the alcohol tonight. I have a light meal organised and my bag of books is all ready for tomorrow. I will do my Super Woman pose before folk arrive and I will teach with my heart pointed to the heavens. I will remember to breathe.
It’s only thanks to Lorraine Thomson and the team at Women@Work that I can even contemplate doing this.
I’ll let ye know how it goes and whether I ever want to do it again…..!